By Katrina Ramirez, MA, LPC
When talking to others about non consensual experiences, it isn’t uncommon to hear self-blame. “Well, maybe I didn’t speak up enough.”, “It’s my fault for not…”, or “Maybe I did want it.” It can be hard to identify consent if we don’t actually understand what it looks like. According to Merriam-Webster (2023), consent is defined as “compliance in or approval of what is done or proposed by another” but consent is so much more than that.
The building blocks of consent can be identified through consent F.R.I.E.S. (Planned Parenthood, 2024).
Freely Given
Consent must be given at one’s own free will without the use of substances, pressure, manipulation, or coercion. One cannot give consent when there are strings attached. For example, if a friend asks me to get a tattoo with them while we are drunk at the bar, I am unable to give my consent freely as the substance I am using can impair my judgment. Similarly, let’s say my partner asks me to get a tattoo with a heavy implication that if I don’t, I would no longer have a partner. Both situations would not be a space where I could freely give my consent.
Reversible
At any point in time after consenting to someone, one can revoke their consent. Continuing with the previous example: after consenting to get a tattoo with a friend, I can decide I don’t want a tattoo and express that to the friend and tattoo artist. I could also be mid-tattooing and not like what the tattoo artist is doing and ask to stop. We can always say no at any point and it must be respected. If our revoked consent is not respected, then it is then non consensual.
Informed
One can only consent to something if we have all the information of what is being asked of us. Using the previous example, I may change my mind to get a tattoo due to not having all the information. My friend may have asked if I wanted to get a tattoo with them but they didn’t tell me they wanted to get a matching tattoo that I didn’t want. I was then not given all the information to consent thus making me change my view and consent.
Enthusiastic
When consenting, it should be something we WANT to engage with. I often put an asterisk on enthusiastic when pertaining to someone who is on the asexual spectrum and/or someone with sexual trauma that is consent to sex and/or sexual activity. This means that sometimes folks who are on the asexual spectrum and/or have sexual trauma may not show as much enthusiasm in their consent and still WANT to engage in sex and/or sexual activity with another. The important part of enthusiastic is to want to be engaging in what we consent to, even if we aren’t showing excitement towards it.
Specific
If we consent to one thing, that DOES NOT mean we consent to all things. Back to my previous example of getting a tattoo with a friend; My friend may also want to get a piercing while there. Similar to informed, we need to know all information of what we consented to. If I consent to getting a tattoo, it DOES NOT mean I consent to anything more than that.
Consent F.R.I.E.S. is a great model to really understand the levels of consent. With this model, it is important to note that to consent one needs to have all of these traits. If I may have freely given my consent to get a tattoo but my friend didn’t share information or I may not actually want it, then it is not consensual. This model is often used around sexual consent but can be used for anything in which you need to consent.
Resources:
Planned Parenthood. (2024). What is sexual consent?: Facts about rape & sexual assault. Planned Parenthood. https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/sexual-consent
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